Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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