I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Let's get the cat blown out
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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