Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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