Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
