Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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