How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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