at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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