Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
