Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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