Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
