I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My vagina just clenched in fear
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
