I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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