I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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