When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
