you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
