Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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