If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
