So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drunk is not a location!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
