She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
