it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
