Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think my vagina is haunted
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
