...so i touched it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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