I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
