I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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