remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
