watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
