if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
