I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
