If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
