he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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