Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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