awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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