You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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