If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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