So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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