walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
