I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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