It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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