I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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