when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
