Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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