Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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