SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
