The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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