I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
