haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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