is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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