I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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