Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
