these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
