was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
