dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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